Making Progress

So far today the guy from lifeline called me back, and we'll talk tomorrow about options.

My family and friends also made calls on my behalf, and found other numbers to call about her plus therapists. I feel so lucky to know people who care about me.

Meanwhile, I thought a lot about my relationship with my boyfriend(?) today. I have no idea what's going to happen today. I'm starting to fully realize how my mother's condition has always colored how I treat people. Relationships have always been hard for me. I'm either completely attached to someone I'm trying to put into a parental role or I'm cold and unassuming because I'm scared. I yelled at him for not being emotionally open and while that's true to some degree, I've also been expecting more than anyone can give. I also never told him the full truth about how she acted or how I felt about it, and I dragged my feet about finding treatment for so long. It must have been so hard for him. (again not saying everything going on is all my fault, but it's certainly not all his.)

I feel like we never even had a chance.

I wonder if I ever had a chance with anyone? And I'm scared that this will follow me forever.

It'd be great if I could sleep.